Too many opinions. No one’s right. But there must be moral truths. Ones that seem so obvious to me. But clearly we don’t all think the same. Tempting to label others ‘crazy.’
Well… within legal and moral limits, I’m a proponent of insanity for myself. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to influence huge masses of people? As long as one has their head on straight. Not too much of a corporate sell out but still understanding important dealings.
‘Insanity’ in my mind seems to represent not being limited by social comparison. The conformity mechanism was set way too tight in my brain from a young age.
What would insanity look like for me? Loosening up and playing. Making jokes that may only make sense to me. Sometimes on hikes, I get so in the zone with the music I’m listening to and how good it feels to be moving that I forget other people exist around me.
‘Are they judging me?’ That’s the phrase that pops in my brain the most- consciously and unconsciously. If I’m to have any sense of sustained happiness, this question needs to be seriously relaxed. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve tried many empty methods to make that question go away but it doesn’t. Why?
Why can I not turn off that question? It seems like to get paid, you have to be an ‘expert.’ But I’ve seen the tallest ivory towers of ‘expertise’ come crashing down. Sanity seems to mean that question being asked over and over and over again overtly or covertly about a thousand times during each day to make sure I’m still in line… but with who? I want to think and act for myself. In new ways I don’t see being represented.
The only way I can think to get free is to express. Freedom of expression. Freedom of expression. Catch-22. Expression means putting oneself out there to be judged. The question pops up more. Anxiety-always. I see others living more expressively. Why not me?
If the conformity, ‘sanity’ mechanism is really at play so much within me that I can never be truly be happy, there’s a big problem.
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