Incredible, life-changing day, during which I put forth my most genuine, honest effort. I ran, went to church, tried different food, hiked, had an amazing talk with my girlfriend and read a great book. I asked God to work on my mind and He blessed me with a stability and sustained clarity I can use. He gave me Trust, Patience and Faith. Qualities I have struggled with my whole life. Now I have peace. I have food to eat, work tomorrow, a healthy body, robust spirituality, optimism, a roof over my head, great friends, the most beautiful woman in the world loves me, I have a phone, AC, a refrigerator, a working car with gas in it. I’m at the top of my game thanks to St. Joseph, Mary, Jesus and God. A loving earthly father, David.
Tag: mental-health
Self-Love, Self-Care
I love myself to the core! I pick myself up when I am down! I believe in myself, no matter what. Especially when alone.
Yes, I am hurting but it is only a drop in the ocean of forgiveness, clarity, beaming light, and heart power that emanates from me at all times.
I made big mistakes but I learned all the more massive lessons. The return dwarfs the initial investment.
I am so grateful for Life and all its challenges- emotional, mental, physical and spiritual- all wrapped up together.
Thanks be to God.
Seen
I pushed today. I wasn’t scared. Were my results optimal? Don’t care. Process-oriented ACTION TAKING. Being in the light. Believing that God is interceding. Challenging me in the right ways no matter how impossible some obstacles may seem. I feel young at heart. My passion is burning. My desire is aflame.
I did my best to listen today. I sat back and appreciated others. My energy was cool and calm. This is new. It almost seems like the more adversity I seek, the better I perform – meaning in a natural way. I’m so impressed with the character traits I am developing and I’m so excited about the future.
I know that I matter and to me, humility means knowing in my bones that I deserve as much as the happiest and wealthiest person in the world. I’ll never stop fighting and that gives me peace. What may seem like arrogance or naïveté to others, I know comes from a place of running aground so many times by underestimating and downplaying my personal power and abilities. There is truly no honor in it. There is honor in optimism, routine, consistency, struggle, ownership, working despite: pain, shame and self-blame. Humiliation, even.
I have finally found my path. Some day I will meet my maker and I want Him to see in my heart and soul that I did the best I could to fulfill the opportunities He gave me. That I appreciated the Grace, Hope and Courage that She gave me. I will be with them one day. Whether it is soon or distant is up to them but they are always on my heart and mind.
Reboot
Too many corrupt files. Wipe the system clean. All memories good and bad. All skill-learning. All philosophical thinking. All mathematical and scientific theorems.
These are all of no use to a newborn as you are now once again. The state of non-judgment and unconditional love to which you have now returned has no names for anything. No familiar faces. Only instinct and intuition. These are your guides.
You are washed of guilt. Let your original beauty shine forth.
Excitement need not be contained. Wonder need not be contained. Upset and hurt need not be contained. Desire need not be contained. Neediness need not be contained.
The lie of society is that it holds freedom of expression as a virtue. Do not be fooled. Expression is for the most brave and tough skinned of all warriors because in all likelihood you will be turned away 999 out of 1000 times. This number may seem small but the hurt of rejection that many times can crumble the tallest mountains.
When life has hurt and broken you in so many ways you see no way out, rest, see yourself throwing absolutely everything in the trash can and completely start over. Heavenly white space. Whatever appears on the other side of this process is meant to help you. Start over. But never quit.
Risking it All
What is there left to do really?
How much can I turn up my dial? I have to know. I must do it. There is no more time for moderation. To leave something left in the tank is to live an unfulfilled life and I’m not here for it.
I’ve already known the lowest of lows and that is in large part because I let fear keep me from ‘being crazy.’ Actually it’s insane to not feel everything 100%.
Of course there are limits as far as potentially harming anyone else. What I’m talking about is playing small and expecting success to come to me. Expecting that if I’m just polite, shy little Matthew, all the ducks will line up in a row.
No. Absolutely not.
Listen I’m a practicing churchgoer and what I’m talking about here is seizing on the opportunity God gave me to be REAL. Not another suburbanite statistic no-name who tampers down all his ambitions, holds in his belly laughs, and always stays away from taboo topics. Thinking my dreams are too far off to achieve.
I HAVE to realize my full potential in Love, Friendships, Career, Financial Success, Connection with God and with Self.
Moment-to-moment can be difficult to discern what is the right action. Should I take this time to meditate in silence to deepen my soul? Does my soul need a funny podcast right now? It’s almost always hard to know exactly what is the perfect choice.
But God, I’m trying. I dare say I’m trying my best. I feel extremely far off from where I want to be but I’m sincerely asking for your help.
I’m being good. I’m doing what I can with what I’ve got. Now I need you to enter the picture and connect some parts that I can’t put together myself.
Please. Please help.
Here. I’m giving up the belief in lack. Here you go! Take it! I never wanted it but I was taught by everyone around me that that’s the way to succeed. Makes absolutely zero sense but that seems to be what everybody thinks.
I give up. I give up being small.
I’m ready. Show me what to do next and I’m all over it.
40X
Today marks running 26.2 forty times. Worked my way up to it from a 4 month training block on my own. First one completed in January 2024.
I’ve learned so much from this distance.
Mostly about myself- for instance that I am much tougher than I thought.
Next that whatever I have been suppressing will inevitably come up during periods of exhaustion and I am usually able to gracefully let go of resentments or lost causes. Doing so seems to make my body and spirit feel physically lighter.
I’ve learned that my body has come to expect this about every week or every other week and if I skip, my mind gets quite cluttered.
I’ve learned that I can do it without water or food. That I can do it 6 days in a row. That 26 miles can extend to 40 if I have the patience- and hopefully more than that soon, since I did do 40 on one occasion.
From running in general I’ve deduced that it is the best way to get lean. I’ve never looked more toned than when I am in the running flow. I’ve seen horrible, exhausted, and sore days turn into the best running times and lifted energy. Some days I did it because I had someone in mind that I wanted to impress. Some days to prove how independent I could be. Others because it just felt good to run. Some to test how many days I could go in a row. Now I do it to get clean- mentally and spiritually. I haven’t quite found an experience that feels as purifying as 26.2.
And lastly I’ve learned which foods my body runs on best and I stick closely to it or else expect to have a bad time.
Now that I have 40 my goal is 50 and then 75 and then 100 of these. I want to expand into 100 miler- territory so it’s definitely time to start looking into what that will require.
Becoming Strong Enough
Each time I swallowed a pill, smoked something, put something under my tongue, drank something or consumed some other cleverly devised confection- I voted for weakness. I scolded my ambition. I told the energy that wanted to give birth to new things/ideas and blaze my own path that it was unclean, unspiritual. I bought into ‘enlightenment’
I tried to look the part and read the literature to break the seeking mind. Then one day I opened a newly Amazon-delivered market paper back copy of the Tao Te Ching. On one of the first few pages the author described how it was highly unlikely that Lao Tzu was a real person. Instead he was a fictional character drawn up to reflect what the culture of that time period saw as the ideal attitude and way of life.
The glass shattered. I was furious because… of course. How convenient that all religious icons had super powers of intellect, communication, intuition and social/emotional intelligence.
So 2 issues with drugs and alcohol began to reappear in my mind. The most obvious- that they were poisoning my organs. Second, that in order to feel ok with consuming them I was always telling myself ‘I can’t handle this.’
I started small. But I began whispering… yes I can. Yes I can.
As I got stronger I realized that every human is highly flawed and this gave me hope that the playing field was more level than I thought.
I saw that I’m allowed to exist and prosper- as imperfect as I am.
Maybe I won’t have the charm of Buddha or Brad Pitt. Maybe I’ll stumble over words and get things wrong that I thought I was totally certain about. Maybe relationships will fail and it won’t be my fault. Maybe my ambition is actually my best friend.
I’ll never get a perfect score in life but no matter how bad something hurts, how searing the sting of shame, how wrong-feeling the awkwardness- I’m not telling myself anymore that I can’t do this. I will screw up countless times but I am less likely to repeat it because I will be as present as I can in that moment. Maybe I can just stay one more moment in the silence without having to say or do something. Just one more… just one more…
Maybe I can be Strong Enough.
Never Quit
As I’ve gotten older I’ve really seen the extent to which my mind has lied to me. At 34 I’ve seen so many people achieve milestones in pursuits that I could have done better or sooner. So what stopped me? It was either something external [out of my control] or- in most cases- my mind comparing myself to others, seeing others ahead of me as strong evidence that I’ll never be good enough and then quickly or slowly giving up.
But all I really needed to do was keep going and honor my process. In many cases it’s not the absolute technically best at something that succeed. It’s the ones that press on- boldly putting themselves out there, being resilient and allowing experiences to shape them into something unique.
But it’s never too late. Use whatever necessary to get there. I see regret as just as valid and compelling a force as positive expectation and excitement. If you know ahead of time that doubt will always be there with an invitation to quit, you can tell it to scram. Stuff it. High tail it out of here.
Cause I wanna be clear. It will take everything from you if you let doubt be the loudest voice. I’ve learned to be ruthless with doubt by this point. And the most bitter and insidious thing to me is that whatever I was so scared or too overwhelmed to proceed with usually just isn’t as hard as I thought if I keep a clear mind and put one foot in front of the other.
Never quit, Friends. Never ever….ever quit.
What Would You Die For?
Me? My dreams. The first time I made this deal with death was trying to achieve the 26.2 mile running distance. My head was spinning. I was woozy and my legs felt like they could barely move. I knew there was more left in me but my body wasn’t tapping into that. I was frustrated and not only that, I was far out on the trail so the only way I could get home would either be to hoof it out or take a bus or uber or something back and that would be too painful when I got home.
So in my mind I imagined myself shaking hands with death and I said…
“Here you go. I sincerely dedicate my life to this. Whatever happens happens.”
Mind you I DID NOT shake hands with the devil. That would be something entirely different and completely against my Faith so make sure you get me straight here.
What I am talking about is truly being at peace with my Path. Several more times on runs, long hikes, etc., I’ve encountered this vision again and reaffirmed my commitment- my life.
Is that crazy? I don’t think so. I think its the most sane thing one can do.
I’ve never been a wishy washy person. I’ve always been very intense and the older I get the more I realize the gift that that has always been. I wish I had realized it sooner.
Seems like most people don’t operate on that diesel-type energy/focus/mindset but I honor it for myself. Sometimes it seems out of place, even laughable.
Eh. Oh well. I love it. It’s my best friend.
There is so much in me that needs to be expressed but it’s pissed off because I spent so long trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to mix with people I don’t belong with. Denying who I truly am.
And guess what!? None of that EVER worked. It always bounced me out and I just felt more alone. So now. I believe in myself. I honor myself and if someone is inspired by that… GREAT!!
Guess what. I ran 7 miles this morning, trained Muay Thai for 1 hour, then hiked 12 miles in the evening. I find that pretty damn inspirational if you ask me. 19 total miles.
So my point is…
Knowing that as a Believer, I’m always going to do my best. I will ask to be forgiven for my short comings and I really hope I go to heaven. In the mean time. I’ve already made the deal with death that when it comes, it will most likely be either old age or when I’m working my tail off doing what I love.
I really hope for the happiest, most joyous, productive, most splendid, love-filled life I can have but I also realize that I’m not so sure that’s what life is really about.
Earth seems like a holdover zone. So I’m gonna give it everything I’ve got while I’m here.
On Insanity
Too many opinions. No one’s right. But there must be moral truths. Ones that seem so obvious to me. But clearly we don’t all think the same. Tempting to label others ‘crazy.’
Well… within legal and moral limits, I’m a proponent of insanity for myself. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to influence huge masses of people? As long as one has their head on straight. Not too much of a corporate sell out but still understanding important dealings.
‘Insanity’ in my mind seems to represent not being limited by social comparison. The conformity mechanism was set way too tight in my brain from a young age.
What would insanity look like for me? Loosening up and playing. Making jokes that may only make sense to me. Sometimes on hikes, I get so in the zone with the music I’m listening to and how good it feels to be moving that I forget other people exist around me.
‘Are they judging me?’ That’s the phrase that pops in my brain the most- consciously and unconsciously. If I’m to have any sense of sustained happiness, this question needs to be seriously relaxed. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve tried many empty methods to make that question go away but it doesn’t. Why?
Why can I not turn off that question? It seems like to get paid, you have to be an ‘expert.’ But I’ve seen the tallest ivory towers of ‘expertise’ come crashing down. Sanity seems to mean that question being asked over and over and over again overtly or covertly about a thousand times during each day to make sure I’m still in line… but with who? I want to think and act for myself. In new ways I don’t see being represented.
The only way I can think to get free is to express. Freedom of expression. Freedom of expression. Catch-22. Expression means putting oneself out there to be judged. The question pops up more. Anxiety-always. I see others living more expressively. Why not me?
If the conformity, ‘sanity’ mechanism is really at play so much within me that I can never be truly be happy, there’s a big problem.
MG33 Platinum 