Tag: love

What Would You Die For?

Me? My dreams. The first time I made this deal with death was trying to achieve the 26.2 mile running distance. My head was spinning. I was woozy and my legs felt like they could barely move. I knew there was more left in me but my body wasn’t tapping into that. I was frustrated and not only that, I was far out on the trail so the only way I could get home would either be to hoof it out or take a bus or uber or something back and that would be too painful when I got home.

So in my mind I imagined myself shaking hands with death and I said…
“Here you go. I sincerely dedicate my life to this. Whatever happens happens.”

Mind you I DID NOT shake hands with the devil. That would be something entirely different and completely against my Faith so make sure you get me straight here.

What I am talking about is truly being at peace with my Path. Several more times on runs, long hikes, etc., I’ve encountered this vision again and reaffirmed my commitment- my life.

Is that crazy? I don’t think so. I think its the most sane thing one can do.

I’ve never been a wishy washy person. I’ve always been very intense and the older I get the more I realize the gift that that has always been. I wish I had realized it sooner.

Seems like most people don’t operate on that diesel-type energy/focus/mindset but I honor it for myself. Sometimes it seems out of place, even laughable.

Eh. Oh well. I love it. It’s my best friend.

There is so much in me that needs to be expressed but it’s pissed off because I spent so long trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to mix with people I don’t belong with. Denying who I truly am.

And guess what!? None of that EVER worked. It always bounced me out and I just felt more alone. So now. I believe in myself. I honor myself and if someone is inspired by that… GREAT!!

Guess what. I ran 7 miles this morning, trained Muay Thai for 1 hour, then hiked 12 miles in the evening. I find that pretty damn inspirational if you ask me. 19 total miles.

So my point is…

Knowing that as a Believer, I’m always going to do my best. I will ask to be forgiven for my short comings and I really hope I go to heaven. In the mean time. I’ve already made the deal with death that when it comes, it will most likely be either old age or when I’m working my tail off doing what I love.

I really hope for the happiest, most joyous, productive, most splendid, love-filled life I can have but I also realize that I’m not so sure that’s what life is really about.

Earth seems like a holdover zone. So I’m gonna give it everything I’ve got while I’m here.

A Rest Day’s Lament

No early morning jog or evening hike today.

   Why? Yesterday was a day of celebration. My philosophy on special days is to put in at least double the amount of work I do on a normal day. That’s what I did and so my capacity was more limited today. 

   But I looked for other ways to improve such as reading, meditating, writing, praying. It hurts to be still. Maybe that’s a growth pain as well. 

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   I insist on being not just above the rest but categorically different, and yes, I do mean that in a competitive context. 

   The thing that I do believe I have going for me is an insatiable hunger. A never quit attitude. I want to outlast Father Time. I want to tear life to shreds in the best way possible. I know I can do it. Maybe it sounds like I’m trying to beat my chest and say I’m great but actually. I am great. In my mind I am the absolute greatest there has ever been and ever will be. It could be no other way. I’m sure you feel the same about yourself too. I love this about human psychology. There’s darkness in the light and light in the dark. Obsession leads to expertise. Desperately wanting to be recognized and to win leads to actual winning with plenty of humbling experiences along the way. There is a guided balance if you remain humble and pray not to go off the rails. Steady on the path.

Pressing forward, emphasizing strengths but asking for help when needed. Remaining respectful and true to your word. Making time for company and laughter.

   I’ve become far more interested in the dark side because I feel like toxic positivity has permeated the culture with The Secret and manifestation principles. Advertising. Social Media. Maybe it’s true, I don’t know but the more I do that type of stuff the more I feel like a liar and a cheat. I want to face things head on. I want Capital-T Truth. I want the full story. I don’t want to be expected to be a robot. There is already enough misinformation, mania and deception floating around. 

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   I am optimistically cautious but when I see someone is a good person, then I am able to open up and joke around. Still, I hold back because… I don’t know. Maybe it’s just too hard for me to open up. Or maybe I’ve been burned too many times. I don’t think all the psychotherapy in the world could change the fact that humans just hurt each other and there really is good reason to be distant/careful at all times. I won’t gaslight myself about that. Still, I hope I can connect more. Time will tell.

I want to be fully plugged in. But.. as far as I can tell, there is only one entity that can make that happen. Trying to do it on my own always feels empty, misguided and ineffective. So… I’ll just keep doing my best and hope for the best. 

   Tomorrow is another day and hopefully active rest was the right strategy. Goodnight.