Tag: life

On Insanity

Too many opinions. No one’s right. But there must be moral truths. Ones that seem so obvious to me. But clearly we don’t all think the same. Tempting to label others ‘crazy.’

Well… within legal and moral limits, I’m a proponent of insanity for myself. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to influence huge masses of people? As long as one has their head on straight. Not too much of a corporate sell out but still understanding important dealings.

‘Insanity’ in my mind seems to represent not being limited by social comparison. The conformity mechanism was set way too tight in my brain from a young age.

What would insanity look like for me? Loosening up and playing. Making jokes that may only make sense to me. Sometimes on hikes, I get so in the zone with the music I’m listening to and how good it feels to be moving that I forget other people exist around me.

‘Are they judging me?’ That’s the phrase that pops in my brain the most- consciously and unconsciously. If I’m to have any sense of sustained happiness, this question needs to be seriously relaxed. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve tried many empty methods to make that question go away but it doesn’t. Why?

Why can I not turn off that question? It seems like to get paid, you have to be an ‘expert.’ But I’ve seen the tallest ivory towers of ‘expertise’ come crashing down. Sanity seems to mean that question being asked over and over and over again overtly or covertly about a thousand times during each day to make sure I’m still in line… but with who? I want to think and act for myself. In new ways I don’t see being represented.

The only way I can think to get free is to express. Freedom of expression. Freedom of expression. Catch-22. Expression means putting oneself out there to be judged. The question pops up more. Anxiety-always. I see others living more expressively. Why not me?

If the conformity, ‘sanity’ mechanism is really at play so much within me that I can never be truly be happy, there’s a big problem.

16 Miles

Eating more greens and natural fats the past few days. Huge spike in energy and mood. 

Slept in the past two days. Very restorative but I don’t want it to become a habit. 

During my 16 mile hike today I reached a point- going up hill mind you- that I felt weightless and almost completely un-self-conscious. I really felt like I was in a dream.

   It’s so interesting to me how intense workouts produce equally intense insights and positive feelings. It’s like there are all these  secrets hidden in my brain that the exercise gods/spirits will only release one by one with each tribute of significant physical effort on my part. 

   I’m naturally a hard worker but I’m also very inspired by my father who at 67 still works round the clock. God willing, I can help him retire very comfortably soon. Whenever I get tired and want to quit a workout, I think of him. His levels of commitment, dedication, drive, humility, unconditional love and compassion are unmatched as far as I’ve seen. When I think of him, I see no logical reason for wasting any time whatsoever.

   Tomorrow I have my first ever confession with a priest. At 34 years old. I’m excited for it. Faith plays a big part in my life. I used to bash people of faith, church, religion. Then, it got to a point that I felt like God was the only one I could really talk to. I believe He listened and set me on a path out of the wilderness. 

   Since then I have felt very protected and guided. Sometimes in ways that didn’t feel great at the time but sometimes things just aren’t ideal and going through the discomfort and coming out the other side really changes you for the better. 

I’m so much more able to let things go now. I don’t obsessively ruminate the way I used to. If I have resentments, in my mind- I say “God bless you” to them. I repent for wrong doings. I don’t want to make any of the same mistakes going forward that I did in the past. In order for me to do that, a lot of it is going to do with eliminating ego. Removing the chip from my shoulder. Difficult- but it’s a worthy goal. I want to pass on what I have learned to others coming up.

   I want to be a kind, gentle, benevolent human but with plenty of bite stored away in case someone is intentionally stepping on my toes. Have to be able to defend yourself.  

   Must be able to defend oneself intellectually, too. I read a lot of books and from opposing viewpoints as well. My perspective has broadened so much from that and I truly believe that the human brain is so good at processing information that even in the background when I’m doing tons of other things that have little to do with what I read earlier or the day before, the information is percolating, and it comes out in my speech, actions, or demeanor in beneficial ways that I’m not conscious of until later. What a beautiful thing life is. 

I keep thinking about removing the mask. Removing the mask. No matter how it got there- family, society, whatever. That darn thing just weights a ton and I don’t want it anymore. I now know that trying to wear it all those years led me to feel like I needed things I didn’t need, to act in unhelpful, insincere ways. It might be a lifelong effort but I’ll just keep doing my best to take the mask off again 1 day at a time.

A Rest Day’s Lament

No early morning jog or evening hike today.

   Why? Yesterday was a day of celebration. My philosophy on special days is to put in at least double the amount of work I do on a normal day. That’s what I did and so my capacity was more limited today. 

   But I looked for other ways to improve such as reading, meditating, writing, praying. It hurts to be still. Maybe that’s a growth pain as well. 

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   I insist on being not just above the rest but categorically different, and yes, I do mean that in a competitive context. 

   The thing that I do believe I have going for me is an insatiable hunger. A never quit attitude. I want to outlast Father Time. I want to tear life to shreds in the best way possible. I know I can do it. Maybe it sounds like I’m trying to beat my chest and say I’m great but actually. I am great. In my mind I am the absolute greatest there has ever been and ever will be. It could be no other way. I’m sure you feel the same about yourself too. I love this about human psychology. There’s darkness in the light and light in the dark. Obsession leads to expertise. Desperately wanting to be recognized and to win leads to actual winning with plenty of humbling experiences along the way. There is a guided balance if you remain humble and pray not to go off the rails. Steady on the path.

Pressing forward, emphasizing strengths but asking for help when needed. Remaining respectful and true to your word. Making time for company and laughter.

   I’ve become far more interested in the dark side because I feel like toxic positivity has permeated the culture with The Secret and manifestation principles. Advertising. Social Media. Maybe it’s true, I don’t know but the more I do that type of stuff the more I feel like a liar and a cheat. I want to face things head on. I want Capital-T Truth. I want the full story. I don’t want to be expected to be a robot. There is already enough misinformation, mania and deception floating around. 

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   I am optimistically cautious but when I see someone is a good person, then I am able to open up and joke around. Still, I hold back because… I don’t know. Maybe it’s just too hard for me to open up. Or maybe I’ve been burned too many times. I don’t think all the psychotherapy in the world could change the fact that humans just hurt each other and there really is good reason to be distant/careful at all times. I won’t gaslight myself about that. Still, I hope I can connect more. Time will tell.

I want to be fully plugged in. But.. as far as I can tell, there is only one entity that can make that happen. Trying to do it on my own always feels empty, misguided and ineffective. So… I’ll just keep doing my best and hope for the best. 

   Tomorrow is another day and hopefully active rest was the right strategy. Goodnight.