Never Quit

As I’ve gotten older I’ve really seen the extent to which my mind has lied to me. At 34 I’ve seen so many people achieve milestones in pursuits that I could have done better or sooner. So what stopped me? It was either something external [out of my control] or- in most cases- my mind comparing myself to others, seeing others ahead of me as strong evidence that I’ll never be good enough and then quickly or slowly giving up.

But all I really needed to do was keep going and honor my process. In many cases it’s not the absolute technically best at something that succeed. It’s the ones that press on- boldly putting themselves out there, being resilient and allowing experiences to shape them into something unique.

But it’s never too late. Use whatever necessary to get there. I see regret as just as valid and compelling a force as positive expectation and excitement. If you know ahead of time that doubt will always be there with an invitation to quit, you can tell it to scram. Stuff it. High tail it out of here.

Cause I wanna be clear. It will take everything from you if you let doubt be the loudest voice. I’ve learned to be ruthless with doubt by this point. And the most bitter and insidious thing to me is that whatever I was so scared or too overwhelmed to proceed with usually just isn’t as hard as I thought if I keep a clear mind and put one foot in front of the other.

Never quit, Friends. Never ever….ever quit.

Change of Heart

Had a change of heart in the past 24 hours.

A friend checked me on my attitude. And they were 100% right. I’ve been using ego and steam to power through for so long now that it’s become the modus operandi. In every aspect of my life. I’m sure you can guess how well that’s gone over. 

Yet I claim to deeply care about others. I don’t want this incongruence anymore. I know it’s been an issue but I couldn’t make it stop by myself. 

I want to fully switch to being supportive, empathetic, encouraging, letting go of resentments and frustrations and focusing on what’s really important. Not making any more enemies. Learning to be more diplomatic, patient, etc. I don’t need to be the center of attention and I don’t need to show anybody what’s what, according to me.

What Would You Die For?

Me? My dreams. The first time I made this deal with death was trying to achieve the 26.2 mile running distance. My head was spinning. I was woozy and my legs felt like they could barely move. I knew there was more left in me but my body wasn’t tapping into that. I was frustrated and not only that, I was far out on the trail so the only way I could get home would either be to hoof it out or take a bus or uber or something back and that would be too painful when I got home.

So in my mind I imagined myself shaking hands with death and I said…
“Here you go. I sincerely dedicate my life to this. Whatever happens happens.”

Mind you I DID NOT shake hands with the devil. That would be something entirely different and completely against my Faith so make sure you get me straight here.

What I am talking about is truly being at peace with my Path. Several more times on runs, long hikes, etc., I’ve encountered this vision again and reaffirmed my commitment- my life.

Is that crazy? I don’t think so. I think its the most sane thing one can do.

I’ve never been a wishy washy person. I’ve always been very intense and the older I get the more I realize the gift that that has always been. I wish I had realized it sooner.

Seems like most people don’t operate on that diesel-type energy/focus/mindset but I honor it for myself. Sometimes it seems out of place, even laughable.

Eh. Oh well. I love it. It’s my best friend.

There is so much in me that needs to be expressed but it’s pissed off because I spent so long trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to mix with people I don’t belong with. Denying who I truly am.

And guess what!? None of that EVER worked. It always bounced me out and I just felt more alone. So now. I believe in myself. I honor myself and if someone is inspired by that… GREAT!!

Guess what. I ran 7 miles this morning, trained Muay Thai for 1 hour, then hiked 12 miles in the evening. I find that pretty damn inspirational if you ask me. 19 total miles.

So my point is…

Knowing that as a Believer, I’m always going to do my best. I will ask to be forgiven for my short comings and I really hope I go to heaven. In the mean time. I’ve already made the deal with death that when it comes, it will most likely be either old age or when I’m working my tail off doing what I love.

I really hope for the happiest, most joyous, productive, most splendid, love-filled life I can have but I also realize that I’m not so sure that’s what life is really about.

Earth seems like a holdover zone. So I’m gonna give it everything I’ve got while I’m here.

On Insanity

Too many opinions. No one’s right. But there must be moral truths. Ones that seem so obvious to me. But clearly we don’t all think the same. Tempting to label others ‘crazy.’

Well… within legal and moral limits, I’m a proponent of insanity for myself. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to influence huge masses of people? As long as one has their head on straight. Not too much of a corporate sell out but still understanding important dealings.

‘Insanity’ in my mind seems to represent not being limited by social comparison. The conformity mechanism was set way too tight in my brain from a young age.

What would insanity look like for me? Loosening up and playing. Making jokes that may only make sense to me. Sometimes on hikes, I get so in the zone with the music I’m listening to and how good it feels to be moving that I forget other people exist around me.

‘Are they judging me?’ That’s the phrase that pops in my brain the most- consciously and unconsciously. If I’m to have any sense of sustained happiness, this question needs to be seriously relaxed. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve tried many empty methods to make that question go away but it doesn’t. Why?

Why can I not turn off that question? It seems like to get paid, you have to be an ‘expert.’ But I’ve seen the tallest ivory towers of ‘expertise’ come crashing down. Sanity seems to mean that question being asked over and over and over again overtly or covertly about a thousand times during each day to make sure I’m still in line… but with who? I want to think and act for myself. In new ways I don’t see being represented.

The only way I can think to get free is to express. Freedom of expression. Freedom of expression. Catch-22. Expression means putting oneself out there to be judged. The question pops up more. Anxiety-always. I see others living more expressively. Why not me?

If the conformity, ‘sanity’ mechanism is really at play so much within me that I can never be truly be happy, there’s a big problem.

16 Miles

Eating more greens and natural fats the past few days. Huge spike in energy and mood. 

Slept in the past two days. Very restorative but I don’t want it to become a habit. 

During my 16 mile hike today I reached a point- going up hill mind you- that I felt weightless and almost completely un-self-conscious. I really felt like I was in a dream.

   It’s so interesting to me how intense workouts produce equally intense insights and positive feelings. It’s like there are all these  secrets hidden in my brain that the exercise gods/spirits will only release one by one with each tribute of significant physical effort on my part. 

   I’m naturally a hard worker but I’m also very inspired by my father who at 67 still works round the clock. God willing, I can help him retire very comfortably soon. Whenever I get tired and want to quit a workout, I think of him. His levels of commitment, dedication, drive, humility, unconditional love and compassion are unmatched as far as I’ve seen. When I think of him, I see no logical reason for wasting any time whatsoever.

   Tomorrow I have my first ever confession with a priest. At 34 years old. I’m excited for it. Faith plays a big part in my life. I used to bash people of faith, church, religion. Then, it got to a point that I felt like God was the only one I could really talk to. I believe He listened and set me on a path out of the wilderness. 

   Since then I have felt very protected and guided. Sometimes in ways that didn’t feel great at the time but sometimes things just aren’t ideal and going through the discomfort and coming out the other side really changes you for the better. 

I’m so much more able to let things go now. I don’t obsessively ruminate the way I used to. If I have resentments, in my mind- I say “God bless you” to them. I repent for wrong doings. I don’t want to make any of the same mistakes going forward that I did in the past. In order for me to do that, a lot of it is going to do with eliminating ego. Removing the chip from my shoulder. Difficult- but it’s a worthy goal. I want to pass on what I have learned to others coming up.

   I want to be a kind, gentle, benevolent human but with plenty of bite stored away in case someone is intentionally stepping on my toes. Have to be able to defend yourself.  

   Must be able to defend oneself intellectually, too. I read a lot of books and from opposing viewpoints as well. My perspective has broadened so much from that and I truly believe that the human brain is so good at processing information that even in the background when I’m doing tons of other things that have little to do with what I read earlier or the day before, the information is percolating, and it comes out in my speech, actions, or demeanor in beneficial ways that I’m not conscious of until later. What a beautiful thing life is. 

I keep thinking about removing the mask. Removing the mask. No matter how it got there- family, society, whatever. That darn thing just weights a ton and I don’t want it anymore. I now know that trying to wear it all those years led me to feel like I needed things I didn’t need, to act in unhelpful, insincere ways. It might be a lifelong effort but I’ll just keep doing my best to take the mask off again 1 day at a time.

A Rest Day’s Lament

No early morning jog or evening hike today.

   Why? Yesterday was a day of celebration. My philosophy on special days is to put in at least double the amount of work I do on a normal day. That’s what I did and so my capacity was more limited today. 

   But I looked for other ways to improve such as reading, meditating, writing, praying. It hurts to be still. Maybe that’s a growth pain as well. 

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   I insist on being not just above the rest but categorically different, and yes, I do mean that in a competitive context. 

   The thing that I do believe I have going for me is an insatiable hunger. A never quit attitude. I want to outlast Father Time. I want to tear life to shreds in the best way possible. I know I can do it. Maybe it sounds like I’m trying to beat my chest and say I’m great but actually. I am great. In my mind I am the absolute greatest there has ever been and ever will be. It could be no other way. I’m sure you feel the same about yourself too. I love this about human psychology. There’s darkness in the light and light in the dark. Obsession leads to expertise. Desperately wanting to be recognized and to win leads to actual winning with plenty of humbling experiences along the way. There is a guided balance if you remain humble and pray not to go off the rails. Steady on the path.

Pressing forward, emphasizing strengths but asking for help when needed. Remaining respectful and true to your word. Making time for company and laughter.

   I’ve become far more interested in the dark side because I feel like toxic positivity has permeated the culture with The Secret and manifestation principles. Advertising. Social Media. Maybe it’s true, I don’t know but the more I do that type of stuff the more I feel like a liar and a cheat. I want to face things head on. I want Capital-T Truth. I want the full story. I don’t want to be expected to be a robot. There is already enough misinformation, mania and deception floating around. 

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   I am optimistically cautious but when I see someone is a good person, then I am able to open up and joke around. Still, I hold back because… I don’t know. Maybe it’s just too hard for me to open up. Or maybe I’ve been burned too many times. I don’t think all the psychotherapy in the world could change the fact that humans just hurt each other and there really is good reason to be distant/careful at all times. I won’t gaslight myself about that. Still, I hope I can connect more. Time will tell.

I want to be fully plugged in. But.. as far as I can tell, there is only one entity that can make that happen. Trying to do it on my own always feels empty, misguided and ineffective. So… I’ll just keep doing my best and hope for the best. 

   Tomorrow is another day and hopefully active rest was the right strategy. Goodnight. 

2 Years of Sobriety :)

Today, May 14, 2025 officially marks 2 years without touching a drop of alcohol or any other mind-altering substances (yes, including weed.) This decision has been the single most positive, life-affirming and growth-oriented decision I have ever made.

Life has not been easy being sober, but I have been able to take it all on the chin and feel the full brunt of it. I’ve been dropped several times but now I know I can just keep getting back up. With full confidence, I can boldly say that I have grown steadily stronger every single day.

I want to thank the very real friends I have made along the way, my family and of course, God.

My new focus is not associating with people who do not honor their word (and/or are disrespectful). But first and foremost, not tolerating that from myself.

My goal is to reach May 14, 2026 being a much more fun-loving Matthew who TRULY believes in himself. Massively growing my business and authentic-friend circle. Massively beef up my contribution to the world.

Today I have already celebrated by waking up 3 minutes before my alarm, having my coffee, a hot shower and shave, writing 3 pages long-form, writing a gratitude list, putting on my favorite Punisher t-shirt, and going for a 3-mile walk/jog, supremely enjoying the morning air and listening to amazing music.

(6:02AM)

Life is good.

‘No More Waiting’

I kept waiting around for someone to say…

“GO!! Now is the perfect time and you are the perfect person for this job/task! You are the hero of this story!”

I kept waiting to come upon Excalibur and to be the only one worthy of pulling it from the stone.

I waited for permission to bolt from the starting line- full Force. Full Speed! I could faintly hear a starting gun go off but I kept questioning if it was just my imagination.

But wait… others were already running and they were WAY ahead.

“Hey Ref time out!!! Make them all come back here and start again!!,” I exclaimed.

“Ref!! Ref??…”

“Wait a second…,” I realized. “There’s no Ref.”