Each time I swallowed a pill, smoked something, put something under my tongue, drank something or consumed some other cleverly devised confection- I voted for weakness. I scolded my ambition. I told the energy that wanted to give birth to new things/ideas and blaze my own path that it was unclean, unspiritual. I bought into ‘enlightenment’
I tried to look the part and read the literature to break the seeking mind. Then one day I opened a newly Amazon-delivered market paper back copy of the Tao Te Ching. On one of the first few pages the author described how it was highly unlikely that Lao Tzu was a real person. Instead he was a fictional character drawn up to reflect what the culture of that time period saw as the ideal attitude and way of life.
The glass shattered. I was furious because… of course. How convenient that all religious icons had super powers of intellect, communication, intuition and social/emotional intelligence.
So 2 issues with drugs and alcohol began to reappear in my mind. The most obvious- that they were poisoning my organs. Second, that in order to feel ok with consuming them I was always telling myself ‘I can’t handle this.’
I started small. But I began whispering… yes I can. Yes I can.
As I got stronger I realized that every human is highly flawed and this gave me hope that the playing field was more level than I thought.
I saw that I’m allowed to exist and prosper- as imperfect as I am.
Maybe I won’t have the charm of Buddha or Brad Pitt. Maybe I’ll stumble over words and get things wrong that I thought I was totally certain about. Maybe relationships will fail and it won’t be my fault. Maybe my ambition is actually my best friend.
I’ll never get a perfect score in life but no matter how bad something hurts, how searing the sting of shame, how wrong-feeling the awkwardness- I’m not telling myself anymore that I can’t do this. I will screw up countless times but I am less likely to repeat it because I will be as present as I can in that moment. Maybe I can just stay one more moment in the silence without having to say or do something. Just one more… just one more…
Maybe I can be Strong Enough.
MG33 Platinum 