Eating more greens and natural fats the past few days. Huge spike in energy and mood.
Slept in the past two days. Very restorative but I don’t want it to become a habit.
During my 16 mile hike today I reached a point- going up hill mind you- that I felt weightless and almost completely un-self-conscious. I really felt like I was in a dream.
It’s so interesting to me how intense workouts produce equally intense insights and positive feelings. It’s like there are all these secrets hidden in my brain that the exercise gods/spirits will only release one by one with each tribute of significant physical effort on my part.
I’m naturally a hard worker but I’m also very inspired by my father who at 67 still works round the clock. God willing, I can help him retire very comfortably soon. Whenever I get tired and want to quit a workout, I think of him. His levels of commitment, dedication, drive, humility, unconditional love and compassion are unmatched as far as I’ve seen. When I think of him, I see no logical reason for wasting any time whatsoever.
Tomorrow I have my first ever confession with a priest. At 34 years old. I’m excited for it. Faith plays a big part in my life. I used to bash people of faith, church, religion. Then, it got to a point that I felt like God was the only one I could really talk to. I believe He listened and set me on a path out of the wilderness.
Since then I have felt very protected and guided. Sometimes in ways that didn’t feel great at the time but sometimes things just aren’t ideal and going through the discomfort and coming out the other side really changes you for the better.
I’m so much more able to let things go now. I don’t obsessively ruminate the way I used to. If I have resentments, in my mind- I say “God bless you” to them. I repent for wrong doings. I don’t want to make any of the same mistakes going forward that I did in the past. In order for me to do that, a lot of it is going to do with eliminating ego. Removing the chip from my shoulder. Difficult- but it’s a worthy goal. I want to pass on what I have learned to others coming up.
I want to be a kind, gentle, benevolent human but with plenty of bite stored away in case someone is intentionally stepping on my toes. Have to be able to defend yourself.
Must be able to defend oneself intellectually, too. I read a lot of books and from opposing viewpoints as well. My perspective has broadened so much from that and I truly believe that the human brain is so good at processing information that even in the background when I’m doing tons of other things that have little to do with what I read earlier or the day before, the information is percolating, and it comes out in my speech, actions, or demeanor in beneficial ways that I’m not conscious of until later. What a beautiful thing life is.
I keep thinking about removing the mask. Removing the mask. No matter how it got there- family, society, whatever. That darn thing just weights a ton and I don’t want it anymore. I now know that trying to wear it all those years led me to feel like I needed things I didn’t need, to act in unhelpful, insincere ways. It might be a lifelong effort but I’ll just keep doing my best to take the mask off again 1 day at a time.
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